To the Person Whose Wedding I Will One Day Ruin

Look, it’s not entirely your fault and that’s probably going to be the hardest part for you to swallow. It’s actually someone else’s fault for putting you in the position you were put in only for you to do exactly what you always do and disappoint us all.

But me, you especially disappointed me.

I wont go in to details because my dear that’s where the devil is and the devil will tell the truth if it hurts enough. It’ll be enough to say that this has nothing to do with my wedding, the day of, the leading up to or the days after.

The truth is you probably all ready know who you are and that’s okay because I’ve come to a point in my life were I refuse to rebuild bridges; they were burnt for a reason kids, let em smolder. But if you do know then you have a problem, because then you know that if you invite me I’m going to ruin it and if you don’t I’m going to crash it.

You don’t have much of a choice.

I’m not going to get drunk and kiss your spouse, I’m not going to cry and fall in to the cake, nor am I going to try and toast all the people you’ve slept with. That isn’t how I’m going to ruin your day. That’s too showy, thats too crass, that’s not me.

You spent so much time trying to make me look like a public asshole I refuse to do that to myself, instead I’ll walk around your wedding and whisper off in little groups that laugh  during your first dance, not where anyone can hear us, just where you can see us. I’ll be the kind of asshole I actually am and not the kind you told everyone I was.

You’ll come up for a hug which I’ll graciously decline then proceed to ask you “That’s the outfit you decided on?”

I’ll make statements like “So this is what settling looks like!” or “Their future children wont be winning any awards I’ll tell you that”.

People will ask me to leave, I wont. People will tell me I’m being rude and I’ll tell them what rude looks like and point to you. I wont do it the whole night, just enough that when you think things are starting to settle down I’m going to insert another little gift of wisdom just to fuck it all up again.

Is this petty? Yes, yes it is. Is it cruel? Sure, I guess. But I have not yet gotten any recompense from the way I was treated and I’ve brought it up, you act like it’s the first time you’ve heard it every time and I just can’t do it anymore.

Just don’t get too excited when the day finally comes, because I’m going to be there with a thousand snide remarks and at least one party popper I might accidentally pop right as they say “I now pronounce you-”