I Am Devastated Though Not Surprised: What am I Thankful For?

I’m having a hard time finding a way to start this.

Nobody has died, my relationship is still strong, my family continues to work despite it all and I should be happy.

I am.

I am.

But I am also depressed and I am also anxious and I am also overwhelmed and I am also sick.

And I have been convincing myself otherwise for far too long.

It’s not hard to explain depression, it’s not hard to explain that it eats away at you until you start to blur the lines between who you are and what it is, it’s not hard to tell people that it’s sadness but deeper. It’s not hard to tell people that it goes dormant but it does not go away. It’s not hard. I found out recently that my doctors once again dropped the ball on my medication; I have been on Zoloft for more than a year at the lowest possible dosage, the doctor that prescribed it to me said that if I felt the lowest dosage was working we’ll keep it there. My new doctor said “What? No! Most people don’t get any results until they’re up two or more dosages”.

I had been placebo-ing myself and now that I knew of course it stopped working and I was able to see exactly what I had been pushing down the whole time and I needed to get to work.

This compounded with my migraines have become a daily dose of immobility and guilt. I used to say things like “I regret nothing” and “I live my life without regrets” and it was true, but that’s because I always managed to fix whatever it was that I broke. I can’t fix chronic illness, they’re called chronic for that reason and for THAT reason I spend every day doubling down on the guilt that I can not change and suddenly become reliable like I used to be.

I think the hardest part is the fact that I try to rationalize everything and although I’m falling apart I’m still fully aware of the situation, just completely unable to do anything about it. It’s been like that my whole life- powerless.

But I can do something about it and I am no matter how long it takes me I’m doing something. Which is more than my younger self ever did; she just sat on her ass and cried. I’m sitting on my ass, crying AND finding ways to manage my illnesses through doctors and research (even if those doctors sometimes fuck up).

I’m having a hard time finding a way to start this.

Because today my boss told me that he wants to put me part time because I’m basically working that right now, but he’s going to raise my wage so that I don’t lose any money.

I am devastated.

Of course it’s open to me going back to full time if I ever find a way to get better but we both know that is a huge if. I hate that this is where we’ve ended up because it’s a blow to both my ego and my hope; the hope that I’d one day be the employee my company and my coworkers deserves. The hope that I’d one day be a normal functioning member of society again. I feel like I failed.

But that rationality is still there: I didn’t fail, this is just my illness I am not my illness. I still have hope.

I can think these things but my brain doesn’t always believe them.

I’m having a hard time finding a way to start this.

Because when you’re depressed the people around you feel like it’s their fault they couldn’t keep you happy. There’s no way to convince them otherwise because their rationality is blinded by guilt in the same way that yours is.

So what you get is a circle of guilt perpetuated by more guilt just spinning round and round until somebody pukes or passes out. I usually puke, that’s just who I am.

Most of my depression is situational and is directly connected to my migraines and the guilt I feel for all the missed work and opportunities; there is nobody at fault here except for unfortunate genetics.

So if you’re reading this and you love me know that I love you too, no there is nothing you can do, no I’ve got people to talk to (emotional conversations are difficult for me, that’s why I have a blog) but thank you anyway, no it’s not your fault and yes it will be okay.

-Jess